i'm sitting here tonight with a lot of things running back and forth through my mind.
i met a local blues musician about a month ago named Brandon. i had a 3 hour show that night and he listened to the whole gig. when i was done, he started to play. as soon as i heard him, my jaw dropped. i've heard great talent all my life, but i'd never heard someone play with such ease and wide range of skill. he wanted to take a 5 minute break so he asked me to come up and play some tunes. right away, i knew he was a pretty humble guy.
so here we are today and he isn't here anymore. i didn't have a close friendship with him but what i have learned from meeting musicians is that we all have a common ground--we live for music--we breathe it, smell it, feel it, drown in it, lust for it. all musicians, even if we don't play the same genre or even know each other, we still come together in a way that many don't understand.
that being said, i may not have known Brandon very long or had a close friendship with him, but i'm still at a loss as to why he took his own life. i knew a boy back from high school, Kasey, who had comitted suicide and it just breaks my heart. i can't begin to imagine what it's like to bury someone you love, let alone bury your child.
that being said, i may not have known Brandon very long or had a close friendship with him, but i'm still at a loss as to why he took his own life. i knew a boy back from high school, Kasey, who had comitted suicide and it just breaks my heart. i can't begin to imagine what it's like to bury someone you love, let alone bury your child.
a few weeks ago, i had a show and a man watching me play told me i should go out of my comfort zone. i stood there and thought to myself--well you're not a musician, you don't understand how out of our comfort zones we actually go--. But i just nodded and said thank you for the advice. i had texted Brandon and asked him what his thoughts were on people criticizing his performances and how to take it in stride. he replied, "Be harder on yourself than anyone else can, and learn where to get advice rather than opening yourself up to anyone with an opinion. 'Cause believe me the second you start letting people persuade your art, they will and you'll no longer be you. You'll be them. We don't want that. Just be Jenny Bodine."
he was and is completely right. all i can say is thank you Brandon for all your kind words you gave me. i will not forget ever meeting you and it's pretty obvious there are many people that feel the same way. i wish you could've seen that while you were here with us.
i wrote a song today called "I Couldn't Have Loved You More". Brandon's tragedy gave me some insight into the victims of suicide. when i say victims, i mean the people who are left on earth to deal with the hurt and pain of a loved one who has committed suicide. i'm sure the most common feeling is "what if i tried harder?" "did i not love you enough?" "is it my fault?" i can only imagine these are what these victims are asking themselves, but the more we question and worry, then the more we lose ourselves in this fictional world that we are constantly blaming ourselves for. and in reality, it's not the case.
this is the chorus to "I Couldn't Have Loved You More":
"If I could go back in time when you needed me,
I would open my eyes so that I could see.
And I would hear every prayer you spoke silently
And now I take the blame that you're not here with me
I didn't always listen, maybe I didn't try so much
But I do know I loved you more than enough."
this is in memory for all that have committed suicide and all victims struggling with coping.
Rest in peace, Brandon. Keep on strumming.
Always,
jb.
